symptoms of success

here i am, two months and three days clean, and i'm finally starting to feel pretty good.  i mean, there are different levels of good that come and go, but generally up until recently i have just felt horrible most of the time.  so i thought i would share a list of all of the strange effects that quitting had on my body.  i'm sure not everyone will have the same experience as me, but i'm also pretty sure that no one will bother to warn you about these symptoms in fear they might dissuade you from quitting.  my advice is to fight every day to stay smoke-free; whatever suffering is happening now is sure to get better with time. at first i counted the hours, then the days, and now the months, each one a tiny step towards wellness and happiness. the purpose of this list is not to discourage, but simply to let anyone who reads this know that if you are experiencing one of these symptoms, you are not alone!

cardiovascular:

pounding heart
loud heartbeat in my ear
tingling in extremities
the feeling that my heart will stop

gastrointestinal:

humungous poop (measured one at 2" x 10 1/2")
severe nausea before pooping
flatulence
fluctuations in appetite
feeling of drunkenness after one drink

respiratory:

shortness of breath
trouble breathing
sinus drainage
phlegm production
cold/flu symptoms
loss of singing voice, cracked voice
mouth infections
sores on tongue
dry, irritated nasal passages
highly annoyed by odors (like exhaust from a car or the smell of an ashtray)

hormonal:

spontaneous bouts of intense sexual desire
times with complete lack of sexual interest
feeling powerless when exercising
acne
intense fatigue

psychological:

depression
anxiety
peripheral hallucinations (feeling like i'm seeing things out of the corner of my eye)
jolts of terror
forgetfulness
self-doubt
paranoia
insomnia
night sweats
horrible dreams
nicotine cravings

muscular, skeletal:

constant back pain
elbow pain
muscle tension
muscle twitches
flu-type body aches

visual:

blurred vision
trouble focusing eyes
dizziness
dry, irritated eyes
sensitivity to bright light

the battle continues

two years and seven months have passed since my last blog entry.  shortly after its composition i discovered that my wife was cheating on me and had decided to leave me.  days later the irs seized all of my accounts due to a decade-old debt that i had no knowledge of.  and so, as my life entered a sickening downward spiral like no other i'd ever known, of course i began to smoke again.  in fact i clutched my cigarettes like a child clutches their worn doll... afraid to let go for fear of life without them.

during the first year of separation from my wife i smoked off and on, while many of the symptoms i described earlier in this blog began to worsen.  i didn't care.  the burning smoke in my lungs brought me some kind of sick comfort in a terrible time.  eventually, however, dizzy spells and strange neurological maladies plagued me to the point where i was almost non-functional.  i eventually discovered that, in addition to smoking, i had also been poisoned over a long period of time from the mercury in the tuna that i loved to eat almost every day.  i immediately began a "chelation" cycle to remove the mercury from my body, a process that took over a month and an incredible measure of suffering i won't even begin to describe.

of course i quit smoking during that period, but as soon as the symptoms of mercury poisoning subsided i immediately allowed myself to enjoy a celebratory cig.  then another and another, followed by the usual binging on weekends when i was out having drinks.  eventually, i was right back where i had been before this blog began, but with a newfound appreciation for life after struggling to overcome mercury poisoning and coming out victorious on that front.  i wanted to quit again, as i've always wanted, but now a new issue arose:  i discovered that i was still in love with my wife and wanted to try to get her back.

after a few long discussions (and quite a few cigarettes, of course), she and i decided that, basically, we both still cared for each other and that i would move back in with her and my son.  i won't get into the details of that experience, but i will say what i have said in the past.. it was difficult for me to quit when i was with my wife as she smokes daily and has no intention of quitting.  additionally, the first few months of our reunion were filled with late-night talks and the pain of getting past our marital issues. 

a year later, after surviving a tepid and at times uncertain reunion, the end of our lease approached and we made an effort to find a new home that would signify the beginning of our new life together.  unfortunately, is wasn't long into our search that my wife broke down and admitted that she still had uncertainties about our relationship and couldn't make the move in good conscience.  a second separation ensued, one that is still in affect to this day, and one that will most likely end in divorce very soon.

so to make a long story short, smoking continued to be a part of my life as i moved to yet another apartment (my fifth address in two years), and dealt with yet another transition into single life.  now that my son is 5 years old, things are different though.. he knows what is going on when his parents smoke and wants to know why?  so i stopped smoking completely when he was at my house, but eventually i found myself deeply desiring to quit once again.

19 days ago i woke up and began a new life without cigarettes.  i don't know how long it will last this time, but i do feel more confident than ever before.  i've suffered so many blows in the last couple years and now i'm actually finally starting to feel healthy again, and the absence of cigarettes in my life is only helping positive things to come about.  i have to admit, however, that quitting this time was more difficult than ever before, with a wide range of horrible withdrawal symptoms i will save for another post, but after almost 3 weeks my days are getting easier and my hope for a better future is growing.

i find myself just counting the hours, hoping to put as much distance between myself and the demon i carried with me for so long - half my life in fact.  i want to live a long, exciting life and be there to enjoy time with my beautiful son until a ripe old age.. vibrant, alive, and happy.  i feel more focused on this task than ever before and i will try to document my struggle as it did before.  to anyone who reads this i hope that you will never stop trying to quit - even if it takes a lifetime!  good night, and here's to a smoke-free tomorrow :)

what a pain in the neck

awwww man, my neck is killing me!  it's day 18 and i'm suffering from chronic neck pain.  i looked it up online, and found that smoking could be a factor.  apparently smoking affects the spine and vertebrae, and it could take quite sometime before i fully recover from whatever damage i have done.

now that i think about it, i have had quite a bit of back pain through the years - i wonder if it had anything to do with my smoking habit?  i always chalked it up to the fact that i used to install carpet, a trade that does not help your back much.  i'm starting to think that my smoking may have made it much worse, and i should probably add this to my ever growing list of symptoms.

in any case, i never thought that quitting would be such a pain in the neck!  i feel like cravings are the least of my worries with all of the other crap that i'm experiencing.  the great thing is that i've almost reached 3 weeks without cigarettes - a milestone that i think will be quite significant.

i guess i'll take some aspirin for now and hope my neck problems go away.

inspiration

yesterday i hung out with a friend of mine who smokes and has no intention of ever quitting.  when she went outside with my wife for a cigarette, her father turned to me and said "i smoked for 35 years, and i've been smoke-free now for 6.  i'll never go back."  he had started smoking around the age of 11 and carried his own pack of cigarettes by age 13 - the same time i was dreaming about smoking myself. 

he told me that he had begun to mentally prepare for the quitting process years before it ever happened.  first, he stopped smoking inside his house.  then he stopped smoking while working.  eventually, he got to the point where one day he just said "maybe i won't have a cigarette today."

i think that in a way i have been going through the same process.  for years now i've been so disgusted by cigarettes i can hardly stand them, except when i'm sucking them down one by one outside of a seedy bar somewhere.  i guess i always thought that i was in control somehow, like i could stop whenever i wanted - just not today.  the only reason i am able to quit now is because i've finally admitted that i'm powerless over this addiction.  i can't just have one cigarette.

in any case, it was very inspirational to talk to this man yesterday - someone who has won the battle over his addiction, an addiction with much deeper roots than mine.  i can't help but think to myself:  if he can do it, why can't i?

the race against myself

the twelfth day without cigarettes finds me in good spirits.  my lungs feel like they are finally starting to clear up a bit.  this week i started running again and i'm planning on easing into some resistance workouts next week. 

i live on a lake with a road around it that just happens to be exactly 2 miles in circumference, so often times i use this loop to gauge my distance when i go jogging.  in the past, i've also tried to simply run around the lake once as fast as i could to see how much my fitness level has changed over the years.  one time last year, after not smoking for a few days, i busted my ass and did the loop in 16:04.  not bad, but nowhere near what i could have done before i started smoking.

so yesterday i decided to time myself again, but not to kill it like the last time.  since i quit smoking i haven't exercised very much, wanting to concentrate on the healing process more than anything else.  also, i have gained about 10 pounds between the holidays and the eating i've been doing in the last 12 days.  so, needless to say, i'm not in the best of shape.

anyway, i ran at what seemed like a pretty strenuous pace, but not too fast, and came up with 17:15 at the finish.  at first i was a little disappointed, but after i was able to catch my breath in a mere 30 seconds or so, i felt decidedly healthy and inspired to improve.  my new quest is to "race against myself" once a week and report back with my time on this blog.  i'm hoping to improve each and every time as my lungs heal and my fitness level improves.

wish me luck.

remembering more maladies

i was just thinking this morning that there are a handful of other maladies i have experienced in the last year from smoking that i forgot to mention in my "reasons to quit" post.  when you are a smoker, i think you tend to push aside a lot of little health problems, but now i'm beginning to go back and remember quite a few issues i've had over the years.

red eyes:  i've definitely developed red, irritated eyes from smoking.  to be completely honest, i think i've been an eye-drop addict for at least 3 or 4 years now.  the problem is that you can't use eye drops every single day because they eventually stop working and can even make your eyes worse over a period of time.  so i have developed a rationing practice where i save the drops for nights out with friends, special occasions, etc.  if i am out drinking and smoking, i can feel my eyes drying up and turning beet-red as the night progresses and i often sneak to the bathroom to apply more drops.

pounding in my ear:  at one point this year i began to hear a loud pounding in my left ear - it was the sound of my heart!  it was so loud that it actually would keep me up at night.  i looked online and found that many other people have also experienced this.  there are a number of reasons why it can happen, but now that i look back on it i really think in my case it was probably smoking.  cigarettes can increase your blood pressure, which i'm sure could have caused the pounding sensation.  remarkably enough, i ended up flying on a plane to visit relatives for the holidays and the pressure change reduced my pounding substantially.  i still hear it a little sometimes, but it is slowly and steadily going away now that i've quit smoking.

insomnia:  i've wrestled with insomnia for a few years and always thought that it was due to the stress i was under.  i've been through a great deal of financial strain in the last couple years, losing a house and a business, and also dealing with a 2-year-old who doesn't sleep very well and often wakes up in the middle of the night for water or hugs.  i never thought it had anything to do with my smoking habit until i quit.  the other day i was startled when i woke up in the morning and couldn't remember what happened during the night!  what a great feeling.  sleeping better has also improved my function during the day - i'm more efficient with my work and feel less groggy and disconnected.

dizziness:  this is by far the worst symptom of my smoking habit and the one that i deny the most.  i have had so many dizzy spells over the last two years that it has become almost like a monthly or weekly occurrence.  usually the bouts of dizziness come when i have a cold, or after a night of heavy smoking, but either way i know that they are respiratory related.  the worst part is that when i have one, my adrenaline kicks in a little and makes me feel panicked, which in turn increases the feeling of faintness.  i've had one while getting my hair cut, while at breakfast with my family, and even while driving the car.  i don't ever want to feel that way again, and i sincerely hope that smoking removes this horrible malady from my life.

day eight

first week is in the bag.  still coughing up crap from my lungs - i can't wait to be well!  here's a quote i found by one of my favorite authors, kurt vonnegut, jr:

"The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide."

well i've decided that i want to live.