two years and seven months have passed since my last blog entry. shortly after its composition i discovered that my wife was cheating on me and had decided to leave me. days later the irs seized all of my accounts due to a decade-old debt that i had no knowledge of. and so, as my life entered a sickening downward spiral like no other i'd ever known, of course i began to smoke again. in fact i clutched my cigarettes like a child clutches their worn doll... afraid to let go for fear of life without them.
during the first year of separation from my wife i smoked off and on, while many of the symptoms i described earlier in this blog began to worsen. i didn't care. the burning smoke in my lungs brought me some kind of sick comfort in a terrible time. eventually, however, dizzy spells and strange neurological maladies plagued me to the point where i was almost non-functional. i eventually discovered that, in addition to smoking, i had also been poisoned over a long period of time from the mercury in the tuna that i loved to eat almost every day. i immediately began a "chelation" cycle to remove the mercury from my body, a process that took over a month and an incredible measure of suffering i won't even begin to describe.
of course i quit smoking during that period, but as soon as the symptoms of mercury poisoning subsided i immediately allowed myself to enjoy a celebratory cig. then another and another, followed by the usual binging on weekends when i was out having drinks. eventually, i was right back where i had been before this blog began, but with a newfound appreciation for life after struggling to overcome mercury poisoning and coming out victorious on that front. i wanted to quit again, as i've always wanted, but now a new issue arose: i discovered that i was still in love with my wife and wanted to try to get her back.
after a few long discussions (and quite a few cigarettes, of course), she and i decided that, basically, we both still cared for each other and that i would move back in with her and my son. i won't get into the details of that experience, but i will say what i have said in the past.. it was difficult for me to quit when i was with my wife as she smokes daily and has no intention of quitting. additionally, the first few months of our reunion were filled with late-night talks and the pain of getting past our marital issues.
a year later, after surviving a tepid and at times uncertain reunion, the end of our lease approached and we made an effort to find a new home that would signify the beginning of our new life together. unfortunately, is wasn't long into our search that my wife broke down and admitted that she still had uncertainties about our relationship and couldn't make the move in good conscience. a second separation ensued, one that is still in affect to this day, and one that will most likely end in divorce very soon.
so to make a long story short, smoking continued to be a part of my life as i moved to yet another apartment (my fifth address in two years), and dealt with yet another transition into single life. now that my son is 5 years old, things are different though.. he knows what is going on when his parents smoke and wants to know why? so i stopped smoking completely when he was at my house, but eventually i found myself deeply desiring to quit once again.
19 days ago i woke up and began a new life without cigarettes. i don't know how long it will last this time, but i do feel more confident than ever before. i've suffered so many blows in the last couple years and now i'm actually finally starting to feel healthy again, and the absence of cigarettes in my life is only helping positive things to come about. i have to admit, however, that quitting this time was more difficult than ever before, with a wide range of horrible withdrawal symptoms i will save for another post, but after almost 3 weeks my days are getting easier and my hope for a better future is growing.
i find myself just counting the hours, hoping to put as much distance between myself and the demon i carried with me for so long - half my life in fact. i want to live a long, exciting life and be there to enjoy time with my beautiful son until a ripe old age.. vibrant, alive, and happy. i feel more focused on this task than ever before and i will try to document my struggle as it did before. to anyone who reads this i hope that you will never stop trying to quit - even if it takes a lifetime! good night, and here's to a smoke-free tomorrow :)
