awwww man, my neck is killing me! it's day 18 and i'm suffering from chronic neck pain. i looked it up online, and found that smoking could be a factor. apparently smoking affects the spine and vertebrae, and it could take quite sometime before i fully recover from whatever damage i have done.
now that i think about it, i have had quite a bit of back pain through the years - i wonder if it had anything to do with my smoking habit? i always chalked it up to the fact that i used to install carpet, a trade that does not help your back much. i'm starting to think that my smoking may have made it much worse, and i should probably add this to my ever growing list of symptoms.
in any case, i never thought that quitting would be such a pain in the neck! i feel like cravings are the least of my worries with all of the other crap that i'm experiencing. the great thing is that i've almost reached 3 weeks without cigarettes - a milestone that i think will be quite significant.
i guess i'll take some aspirin for now and hope my neck problems go away.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
inspiration
yesterday i hung out with a friend of mine who smokes and has no intention of ever quitting. when she went outside with my wife for a cigarette, her father turned to me and said "i smoked for 35 years, and i've been smoke-free now for 6. i'll never go back." he had started smoking around the age of 11 and carried his own pack of cigarettes by age 13 - the same time i was dreaming about smoking myself.
he told me that he had begun to mentally prepare for the quitting process years before it ever happened. first, he stopped smoking inside his house. then he stopped smoking while working. eventually, he got to the point where one day he just said "maybe i won't have a cigarette today."
i think that in a way i have been going through the same process. for years now i've been so disgusted by cigarettes i can hardly stand them, except when i'm sucking them down one by one outside of a seedy bar somewhere. i guess i always thought that i was in control somehow, like i could stop whenever i wanted - just not today. the only reason i am able to quit now is because i've finally admitted that i'm powerless over this addiction. i can't just have one cigarette.
in any case, it was very inspirational to talk to this man yesterday - someone who has won the battle over his addiction, an addiction with much deeper roots than mine. i can't help but think to myself: if he can do it, why can't i?
he told me that he had begun to mentally prepare for the quitting process years before it ever happened. first, he stopped smoking inside his house. then he stopped smoking while working. eventually, he got to the point where one day he just said "maybe i won't have a cigarette today."
i think that in a way i have been going through the same process. for years now i've been so disgusted by cigarettes i can hardly stand them, except when i'm sucking them down one by one outside of a seedy bar somewhere. i guess i always thought that i was in control somehow, like i could stop whenever i wanted - just not today. the only reason i am able to quit now is because i've finally admitted that i'm powerless over this addiction. i can't just have one cigarette.
in any case, it was very inspirational to talk to this man yesterday - someone who has won the battle over his addiction, an addiction with much deeper roots than mine. i can't help but think to myself: if he can do it, why can't i?
Friday, January 21, 2011
the race against myself
the twelfth day without cigarettes finds me in good spirits. my lungs feel like they are finally starting to clear up a bit. this week i started running again and i'm planning on easing into some resistance workouts next week.
i live on a lake with a road around it that just happens to be exactly 2 miles in circumference, so often times i use this loop to gauge my distance when i go jogging. in the past, i've also tried to simply run around the lake once as fast as i could to see how much my fitness level has changed over the years. one time last year, after not smoking for a few days, i busted my ass and did the loop in 16:04. not bad, but nowhere near what i could have done before i started smoking.
so yesterday i decided to time myself again, but not to kill it like the last time. since i quit smoking i haven't exercised very much, wanting to concentrate on the healing process more than anything else. also, i have gained about 10 pounds between the holidays and the eating i've been doing in the last 12 days. so, needless to say, i'm not in the best of shape.
anyway, i ran at what seemed like a pretty strenuous pace, but not too fast, and came up with 17:15 at the finish. at first i was a little disappointed, but after i was able to catch my breath in a mere 30 seconds or so, i felt decidedly healthy and inspired to improve. my new quest is to "race against myself" once a week and report back with my time on this blog. i'm hoping to improve each and every time as my lungs heal and my fitness level improves.
wish me luck.
i live on a lake with a road around it that just happens to be exactly 2 miles in circumference, so often times i use this loop to gauge my distance when i go jogging. in the past, i've also tried to simply run around the lake once as fast as i could to see how much my fitness level has changed over the years. one time last year, after not smoking for a few days, i busted my ass and did the loop in 16:04. not bad, but nowhere near what i could have done before i started smoking.
so yesterday i decided to time myself again, but not to kill it like the last time. since i quit smoking i haven't exercised very much, wanting to concentrate on the healing process more than anything else. also, i have gained about 10 pounds between the holidays and the eating i've been doing in the last 12 days. so, needless to say, i'm not in the best of shape.
anyway, i ran at what seemed like a pretty strenuous pace, but not too fast, and came up with 17:15 at the finish. at first i was a little disappointed, but after i was able to catch my breath in a mere 30 seconds or so, i felt decidedly healthy and inspired to improve. my new quest is to "race against myself" once a week and report back with my time on this blog. i'm hoping to improve each and every time as my lungs heal and my fitness level improves.
wish me luck.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
remembering more maladies
i was just thinking this morning that there are a handful of other maladies i have experienced in the last year from smoking that i forgot to mention in my "reasons to quit" post. when you are a smoker, i think you tend to push aside a lot of little health problems, but now i'm beginning to go back and remember quite a few issues i've had over the years.
red eyes: i've definitely developed red, irritated eyes from smoking. to be completely honest, i think i've been an eye-drop addict for at least 3 or 4 years now. the problem is that you can't use eye drops every single day because they eventually stop working and can even make your eyes worse over a period of time. so i have developed a rationing practice where i save the drops for nights out with friends, special occasions, etc. if i am out drinking and smoking, i can feel my eyes drying up and turning beet-red as the night progresses and i often sneak to the bathroom to apply more drops.
pounding in my ear: at one point this year i began to hear a loud pounding in my left ear - it was the sound of my heart! it was so loud that it actually would keep me up at night. i looked online and found that many other people have also experienced this. there are a number of reasons why it can happen, but now that i look back on it i really think in my case it was probably smoking. cigarettes can increase your blood pressure, which i'm sure could have caused the pounding sensation. remarkably enough, i ended up flying on a plane to visit relatives for the holidays and the pressure change reduced my pounding substantially. i still hear it a little sometimes, but it is slowly and steadily going away now that i've quit smoking.
insomnia: i've wrestled with insomnia for a few years and always thought that it was due to the stress i was under. i've been through a great deal of financial strain in the last couple years, losing a house and a business, and also dealing with a 2-year-old who doesn't sleep very well and often wakes up in the middle of the night for water or hugs. i never thought it had anything to do with my smoking habit until i quit. the other day i was startled when i woke up in the morning and couldn't remember what happened during the night! what a great feeling. sleeping better has also improved my function during the day - i'm more efficient with my work and feel less groggy and disconnected.
dizziness: this is by far the worst symptom of my smoking habit and the one that i deny the most. i have had so many dizzy spells over the last two years that it has become almost like a monthly or weekly occurrence. usually the bouts of dizziness come when i have a cold, or after a night of heavy smoking, but either way i know that they are respiratory related. the worst part is that when i have one, my adrenaline kicks in a little and makes me feel panicked, which in turn increases the feeling of faintness. i've had one while getting my hair cut, while at breakfast with my family, and even while driving the car. i don't ever want to feel that way again, and i sincerely hope that smoking removes this horrible malady from my life.
red eyes: i've definitely developed red, irritated eyes from smoking. to be completely honest, i think i've been an eye-drop addict for at least 3 or 4 years now. the problem is that you can't use eye drops every single day because they eventually stop working and can even make your eyes worse over a period of time. so i have developed a rationing practice where i save the drops for nights out with friends, special occasions, etc. if i am out drinking and smoking, i can feel my eyes drying up and turning beet-red as the night progresses and i often sneak to the bathroom to apply more drops.
pounding in my ear: at one point this year i began to hear a loud pounding in my left ear - it was the sound of my heart! it was so loud that it actually would keep me up at night. i looked online and found that many other people have also experienced this. there are a number of reasons why it can happen, but now that i look back on it i really think in my case it was probably smoking. cigarettes can increase your blood pressure, which i'm sure could have caused the pounding sensation. remarkably enough, i ended up flying on a plane to visit relatives for the holidays and the pressure change reduced my pounding substantially. i still hear it a little sometimes, but it is slowly and steadily going away now that i've quit smoking.
insomnia: i've wrestled with insomnia for a few years and always thought that it was due to the stress i was under. i've been through a great deal of financial strain in the last couple years, losing a house and a business, and also dealing with a 2-year-old who doesn't sleep very well and often wakes up in the middle of the night for water or hugs. i never thought it had anything to do with my smoking habit until i quit. the other day i was startled when i woke up in the morning and couldn't remember what happened during the night! what a great feeling. sleeping better has also improved my function during the day - i'm more efficient with my work and feel less groggy and disconnected.
dizziness: this is by far the worst symptom of my smoking habit and the one that i deny the most. i have had so many dizzy spells over the last two years that it has become almost like a monthly or weekly occurrence. usually the bouts of dizziness come when i have a cold, or after a night of heavy smoking, but either way i know that they are respiratory related. the worst part is that when i have one, my adrenaline kicks in a little and makes me feel panicked, which in turn increases the feeling of faintness. i've had one while getting my hair cut, while at breakfast with my family, and even while driving the car. i don't ever want to feel that way again, and i sincerely hope that smoking removes this horrible malady from my life.
Monday, January 17, 2011
day eight
first week is in the bag. still coughing up crap from my lungs - i can't wait to be well! here's a quote i found by one of my favorite authors, kurt vonnegut, jr:
"The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide."
well i've decided that i want to live.
"The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide."
well i've decided that i want to live.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
the first big test
today is day 6 without cigarettes. i still feel sort of shitty and it's starting to irritate me a bit. i was reading something today about quitting smoking, and it said that i should expect to have strange symptoms for the first few weeks. that's really great. it's like exercising - you have to do it for like 3 months before you notice a difference. i want instant results!
anyway, one really positive thing to report is that i passed my first really big test last night. every friday i attend a beer tasting, something that i look forward to all week. it's a chance to escape my family for a few hours, see my friends, and taste some really great beer. the problem is that drinking makes me crave cigarettes, and there's always plenty of smokers at the tastings to "bum" from. last night, however, i resisted temptation and did not smoke!
i also must say that my ability to smell and taste has improved dramatically just in the course of one week. i was getting so many new smells and flavors from the beer last night that i almost didn't know how to process them. i think it will take a while before my body adjusts and i learn to wield my newfound powers. until then, i will continue to pamper myself with all the delicious food and beverage i desire - i can tell i'm already gaining weight.
tomorrow makes 1 week without cigarettes and i'm dying to cross that first milestone. after that, there's only 467 more to go before my lungs look exactly the same as a non-smoker's. onward!
anyway, one really positive thing to report is that i passed my first really big test last night. every friday i attend a beer tasting, something that i look forward to all week. it's a chance to escape my family for a few hours, see my friends, and taste some really great beer. the problem is that drinking makes me crave cigarettes, and there's always plenty of smokers at the tastings to "bum" from. last night, however, i resisted temptation and did not smoke!
i also must say that my ability to smell and taste has improved dramatically just in the course of one week. i was getting so many new smells and flavors from the beer last night that i almost didn't know how to process them. i think it will take a while before my body adjusts and i learn to wield my newfound powers. until then, i will continue to pamper myself with all the delicious food and beverage i desire - i can tell i'm already gaining weight.
tomorrow makes 1 week without cigarettes and i'm dying to cross that first milestone. after that, there's only 467 more to go before my lungs look exactly the same as a non-smoker's. onward!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
the plan
day four. woke up coughing a lot and bringing up more crap from my lungs. i can feel my body healing itself, but i'm still not out of the woods yet. the thing that sucks is that the better i feel, the more i crave a cigarette. it's almost like i can't stand feeling great and i actually want to live in a state of mediocre health. it's the perfect time to talk about my plan to stay away from tobacco.
this blog is a big part of my quitting plan. i've tried to quit lots of times before, but never kept a journal of my progress, and i think it will help me a lot. i'm actually hoping to learn from my previous attempts at quitting and use that knowledge to guide me this time. for example: in the past i would exercise like crazy, since i hate smoking after a work out. this time i'm taking it slow - staying fit but not going nuts. in the past i've also combined my quit date with some sort of diet change. this time i've decided to eat what i want, especially during the first couple weeks. my ability to smell and taste food is already improving, so why put it to waste? here's what i had for lunch yesterday:
mmmm... delicious grilled steak, steamed broccoli with fresh garlic, potato salad, and 6 ounces of home-brewed sweet stout. i also made my own dipping sauce out of stout, oil, vinegar, tomato paste, and steak seasoning - it came out awesome. i had a little bit of a craving after finishing the meal, but i got right back to work and soon forgot all about it.
so that brings me to the most important part of the plan - how to handle cravings and avoid relapsing. this is the hardest part of quitting. stopping smoking is no problem for me, i've done it a thousand times, it's staying smoke-free that i've never been able to master. this time i've decided to come up with a list of alternate activities that i can do when i have a craving - things that take about the same amount of time as smoking a cigarette. here's a few of my ideas:
light exercise: nothing crazy, just some push-ups and sit-ups, some jumping jacks, or even 2 minutes on the trampoline (we have a small one in our house and i happen to work from home). whenever i get a little out of breath, i stop craving cigarettes immediately.
oral engagement: smoking is such an oral habit, and i think that by occupying my mouth with other activities i could distract myself from cravings. ideas include chewing gum, putting a toothpick in my mouth, and brushing my teeth. imagine if i brushed my teeth every time i had a craving? not only would my smile improve from the absence of cigarette smoke and tar, but also from all the cleaning action!
breathing exercises: a few months ago, i learned about these breathing exercises that you can do to improve your lung function, increase oxygen absorption, and even lose weight. i performed them for a few days, but then picked up cigarettes again and never continued. i want to start doing them again, especially when i'm craving a smoke. after i complete the exercises, my lungs feel full and clean, and the last thing i'm thinking about is cigarettes.
i'm trying to take a much more positive approach to quitting this time by doing things that help, not hurt. in the past i've tried all sorts of crazy stuff like slapping myself in the face when i had a craving, or running 10 miles if i had a relapse. this time i'm only going to do positive things. like every morning i get up to pray and meditate for a few minutes. i'm also thinking about rewarding myself with presents, like maybe after 1 month i'll get myself the bicycle i've always wanted. in any case, i'm putting more energy into this than ever before and i'm planning on following through this time.
this blog is a big part of my quitting plan. i've tried to quit lots of times before, but never kept a journal of my progress, and i think it will help me a lot. i'm actually hoping to learn from my previous attempts at quitting and use that knowledge to guide me this time. for example: in the past i would exercise like crazy, since i hate smoking after a work out. this time i'm taking it slow - staying fit but not going nuts. in the past i've also combined my quit date with some sort of diet change. this time i've decided to eat what i want, especially during the first couple weeks. my ability to smell and taste food is already improving, so why put it to waste? here's what i had for lunch yesterday:
mmmm... delicious grilled steak, steamed broccoli with fresh garlic, potato salad, and 6 ounces of home-brewed sweet stout. i also made my own dipping sauce out of stout, oil, vinegar, tomato paste, and steak seasoning - it came out awesome. i had a little bit of a craving after finishing the meal, but i got right back to work and soon forgot all about it.
so that brings me to the most important part of the plan - how to handle cravings and avoid relapsing. this is the hardest part of quitting. stopping smoking is no problem for me, i've done it a thousand times, it's staying smoke-free that i've never been able to master. this time i've decided to come up with a list of alternate activities that i can do when i have a craving - things that take about the same amount of time as smoking a cigarette. here's a few of my ideas:
light exercise: nothing crazy, just some push-ups and sit-ups, some jumping jacks, or even 2 minutes on the trampoline (we have a small one in our house and i happen to work from home). whenever i get a little out of breath, i stop craving cigarettes immediately.
oral engagement: smoking is such an oral habit, and i think that by occupying my mouth with other activities i could distract myself from cravings. ideas include chewing gum, putting a toothpick in my mouth, and brushing my teeth. imagine if i brushed my teeth every time i had a craving? not only would my smile improve from the absence of cigarette smoke and tar, but also from all the cleaning action!
breathing exercises: a few months ago, i learned about these breathing exercises that you can do to improve your lung function, increase oxygen absorption, and even lose weight. i performed them for a few days, but then picked up cigarettes again and never continued. i want to start doing them again, especially when i'm craving a smoke. after i complete the exercises, my lungs feel full and clean, and the last thing i'm thinking about is cigarettes.
i'm trying to take a much more positive approach to quitting this time by doing things that help, not hurt. in the past i've tried all sorts of crazy stuff like slapping myself in the face when i had a craving, or running 10 miles if i had a relapse. this time i'm only going to do positive things. like every morning i get up to pray and meditate for a few minutes. i'm also thinking about rewarding myself with presents, like maybe after 1 month i'll get myself the bicycle i've always wanted. in any case, i'm putting more energy into this than ever before and i'm planning on following through this time.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
my history with tobacco
here i am on my third day as a non-smoker. i'm feeling pretty good today, starting to cough up some of the crap from my lungs and noticing the first few positive changes already. it's amazing how fast the body is capable of recovering from such abuse. i saw a "quit smoking" advertisement the other day that says your blood/oxygen levels return to normal only 8 hours after quitting, and after 24 hours your chances of a heart attack decrease. after something like 9 years it is difficult for a doctor to determine the difference between your lungs and those of a non-smoker. so i am hoping to be completely fresh and new by the time i turn 43.
i think that writing about my habit every morning is helping me substantially, so i'm going to keep it up. when i go back and read previous entries, it makes me think about the gravity of my task and gives me the resolve i need. today i'm going to talk about my personal, and very long, history with tobacco. it's a strange story that i've always puzzled over and i'm not sure if i'll ever really understand.
perhaps the strangest thing about me is that i've always been fascinated with smoking, and i can remember dreaming about smoking since i was 3 years old. my parents have always been non-smokers, so to me this is one of the most baffling things in my life. i don't know if i saw people smoking in public, or watched smokers on tv, i just know that i was always really interested in smoking - especially blowing smoke out of my mouth.
i even have clear memories throughout my childhood related to smoking. the earliest was when i was maybe 4 years old and my mom decided to put me in one of those kid's bicycle seats on the back of her bike and take me for a ride. i remember asking her "can i take one of my lincoln logs, mommy?" she agreed, and then while she biked around i pretended to smoke the tiny piece of wood behind her back. i remember knowing that it was bad, but wanting to do it so much anyway.
then when i was maybe 8 or so, my family was eating at a restaurant that had a wooden deck on the back. as we all got up to leave, i noticed an entire cigarette that someone had dropped between the slats of the deck. i instantly wanted it so badly. i had never touched a real cigarette before and i dreamed of having one to myself - to sneak away and experiment with. i bent down to pick it up, but it was out of reach.
not long after that i got involved with the boy scouts. camping was always a big part of that experience, and building fires. around that time i began a quest that lasted all the way until high school - to construct a home-made cigarette. i had no access to tobacco, so i tried all manner of other things, including cardboard, paper, and even banana peels. whenever i was on a camping trip with the scouts i would build some sort of strange cigarette, and then sit in my tent and "smoke" it. i wasn't really interested in inhaling the smoke, however, just completely fascinated with watching it blow out of my mouth.
during my early years in high school i was very socially awkward, but by 11th grade i developed a small group of friends and we all started to go to parties and experiment with our first beers. none of my friends smoked, but occasionally we would bump into smokers at parties and it wasn't long before i had the opportunity to smoke my first real cigarette. i remember i had just started dating this girl who was sort of "out of my league." i mean, at the time i hadn't really gotten drunk yet, had never really smoked a cigarette yet, and had never had sex. this girl had done all of those things already and approached the subjects with a nonchalance that really unnerved me.
so one weekend, she managed to get both of us into a small party on the college campus in my hometown. not only was i nervous about dating this girl, but now we were partying with college kids? my head was exploding. we walked in and i grabbed a cold beer and "bummed" a cig from one of the older guys there. i started puffing on it awkwardly, and for the first time in my life began to draw a small amount of smoke into my lungs. it felt foreign and uncomfortable, but i loved watching the smoke blow out of my mouth and feeling the buzz of the nicotine in my blood. the girl said "i didn't know you were a smoker," and i said "not really, just when i party." i felt like these were the coolest words that had ever escaped my lips.
my relationship with that girl didn't last that long, but i eventually met my "high school romance" later that year. this is the girl that defined my romantic life in high school - we had all the same friends, we went to prom together, we lost our virginity together, we always thought of each other as "the one." well, at least i did. she was a year younger than i was and when i went away to college nothing was ever the same (just like the movies, right?) during winter break after my first semester, she finally broke up with me.
this girl always hated smoking, by the way. she was the exact opposite of me - both her parents had smoked their entire life, and her dad owned a bar in my town. my parents never smoked or drank, except maybe the occasional coors light at a bbq or something. she knew the dangers of smoking firsthand and didn't want to date someone dumb enough to do that to themselves. i knew she was right, and i also didn't want to lose her, so i didn't really smoke much during the year that we dated. occasionally i would try to sneak one at a party, but she would always catch me and threaten to leave me. i would always apologize and tell her i wouldn't do it anymore.
so suddenly she breaks up with me and the next day i am sitting back in my dorm room at college thinking about how my life sucks. and what 's the first thing i did? i went down to the corner store and bought some cigarettes, of course. i was 18 years old, sad and lonely, and the only person that had managed to stifle my strange cigarette fascination was no longer in my life. i felt like it made sense. i wanted to hurt myself to cover up the pain i felt after the breakup, and i also wanted to rebel against my ex by doing the one thing that she hated most.
i quickly became addicted to cigarettes and have remained addicted to this day, 16 years later. i've gone through periods in my life where i've embraced the addiction, purchasing expensive tobacco, rolling my own, savoring exotic flavors. i've also gone through times when i hated smoking and wanted nothing but to quit. overall i think that i've always used smoking to help me perform better socially, and also to slowly commit suicide after a series of disapointments in my life. these have included: my first bad breakup, my parents divorce, and my failure to complete my college education. more recently i could include bankruptcy and the failure of my business.
even though i've been through some hard times, when i look at my life today, i can't complain. i have a beautiful wife and son, and i'm finally doing something that i love after years of plodding away at jobs i cared nothing about. i think quitting smoking is like a declaration to the world that i'm ready to live. i want to live. i want to be happy and healthy and be with my family. i don't want to suffocate anymore, and i certainly don't want to let my past ruin the rest of my life.
i think that writing about my habit every morning is helping me substantially, so i'm going to keep it up. when i go back and read previous entries, it makes me think about the gravity of my task and gives me the resolve i need. today i'm going to talk about my personal, and very long, history with tobacco. it's a strange story that i've always puzzled over and i'm not sure if i'll ever really understand.
perhaps the strangest thing about me is that i've always been fascinated with smoking, and i can remember dreaming about smoking since i was 3 years old. my parents have always been non-smokers, so to me this is one of the most baffling things in my life. i don't know if i saw people smoking in public, or watched smokers on tv, i just know that i was always really interested in smoking - especially blowing smoke out of my mouth.
i even have clear memories throughout my childhood related to smoking. the earliest was when i was maybe 4 years old and my mom decided to put me in one of those kid's bicycle seats on the back of her bike and take me for a ride. i remember asking her "can i take one of my lincoln logs, mommy?" she agreed, and then while she biked around i pretended to smoke the tiny piece of wood behind her back. i remember knowing that it was bad, but wanting to do it so much anyway.
then when i was maybe 8 or so, my family was eating at a restaurant that had a wooden deck on the back. as we all got up to leave, i noticed an entire cigarette that someone had dropped between the slats of the deck. i instantly wanted it so badly. i had never touched a real cigarette before and i dreamed of having one to myself - to sneak away and experiment with. i bent down to pick it up, but it was out of reach.
not long after that i got involved with the boy scouts. camping was always a big part of that experience, and building fires. around that time i began a quest that lasted all the way until high school - to construct a home-made cigarette. i had no access to tobacco, so i tried all manner of other things, including cardboard, paper, and even banana peels. whenever i was on a camping trip with the scouts i would build some sort of strange cigarette, and then sit in my tent and "smoke" it. i wasn't really interested in inhaling the smoke, however, just completely fascinated with watching it blow out of my mouth.
during my early years in high school i was very socially awkward, but by 11th grade i developed a small group of friends and we all started to go to parties and experiment with our first beers. none of my friends smoked, but occasionally we would bump into smokers at parties and it wasn't long before i had the opportunity to smoke my first real cigarette. i remember i had just started dating this girl who was sort of "out of my league." i mean, at the time i hadn't really gotten drunk yet, had never really smoked a cigarette yet, and had never had sex. this girl had done all of those things already and approached the subjects with a nonchalance that really unnerved me.
so one weekend, she managed to get both of us into a small party on the college campus in my hometown. not only was i nervous about dating this girl, but now we were partying with college kids? my head was exploding. we walked in and i grabbed a cold beer and "bummed" a cig from one of the older guys there. i started puffing on it awkwardly, and for the first time in my life began to draw a small amount of smoke into my lungs. it felt foreign and uncomfortable, but i loved watching the smoke blow out of my mouth and feeling the buzz of the nicotine in my blood. the girl said "i didn't know you were a smoker," and i said "not really, just when i party." i felt like these were the coolest words that had ever escaped my lips.
my relationship with that girl didn't last that long, but i eventually met my "high school romance" later that year. this is the girl that defined my romantic life in high school - we had all the same friends, we went to prom together, we lost our virginity together, we always thought of each other as "the one." well, at least i did. she was a year younger than i was and when i went away to college nothing was ever the same (just like the movies, right?) during winter break after my first semester, she finally broke up with me.
this girl always hated smoking, by the way. she was the exact opposite of me - both her parents had smoked their entire life, and her dad owned a bar in my town. my parents never smoked or drank, except maybe the occasional coors light at a bbq or something. she knew the dangers of smoking firsthand and didn't want to date someone dumb enough to do that to themselves. i knew she was right, and i also didn't want to lose her, so i didn't really smoke much during the year that we dated. occasionally i would try to sneak one at a party, but she would always catch me and threaten to leave me. i would always apologize and tell her i wouldn't do it anymore.
so suddenly she breaks up with me and the next day i am sitting back in my dorm room at college thinking about how my life sucks. and what 's the first thing i did? i went down to the corner store and bought some cigarettes, of course. i was 18 years old, sad and lonely, and the only person that had managed to stifle my strange cigarette fascination was no longer in my life. i felt like it made sense. i wanted to hurt myself to cover up the pain i felt after the breakup, and i also wanted to rebel against my ex by doing the one thing that she hated most.
i quickly became addicted to cigarettes and have remained addicted to this day, 16 years later. i've gone through periods in my life where i've embraced the addiction, purchasing expensive tobacco, rolling my own, savoring exotic flavors. i've also gone through times when i hated smoking and wanted nothing but to quit. overall i think that i've always used smoking to help me perform better socially, and also to slowly commit suicide after a series of disapointments in my life. these have included: my first bad breakup, my parents divorce, and my failure to complete my college education. more recently i could include bankruptcy and the failure of my business.
even though i've been through some hard times, when i look at my life today, i can't complain. i have a beautiful wife and son, and i'm finally doing something that i love after years of plodding away at jobs i cared nothing about. i think quitting smoking is like a declaration to the world that i'm ready to live. i want to live. i want to be happy and healthy and be with my family. i don't want to suffocate anymore, and i certainly don't want to let my past ruin the rest of my life.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
my reasons to quit
there's always a hundred different reasons to quit. here's mine:
my son: i have a 2-year-old boy and i really want to stay alive so that i can see him grow up to be a man. i would also love to have more kids some day. i'm always worried that my son might breathe in some second-hand smoke, and i'm also scared about what i will have to tell him when he starts asking me about my smoking. he is growing up so fast and i know that pretty soon i will have to explain to him what is going on. besides that, i really feel like i want to be a good father and set the right example for him - and how can i do that with a cigarette in my hand?
my health: this suddenly become a big issue in the last year. i think the fact that my health had never suffered before was one of the reasons i used to convince myself that my smoking habit was not that bad. i've always been into exercise and fitness, and somehow i've managed to keep exercising and smoking at the same time. this means that i hardly smoke at all during the week, and then on the weekend when i'm partying instead of working out, i binge on cigarettes. i almost think that this might be more unhealthy than just smoking a set amount each day, as my body is constantly subjected to extremes. also now that i my son is in daycare, he brings home a different cold almost every month. i got sick more times in the last year than ever in my life, and i think that smoking not only lowered my immune system, but it also made my symptoms much worse. finally, a few months ago, i came down with acute bronchitis and almost passed out in a restaurant after having trouble breathing. it took me 6 weeks to recover, but afterwards, i started smoking again. i think that was when i realized that i was hopelessly addicted and need to quit for good.
my wife: one of the hardest things i'll be facing during this journey is that my wife is also a smoker and has absolutely no interest in quitting. she smokes about 2-4 cigarettes each day and doesn't feel like it's affecting her life in any way. in the past when i have tried to quit, i've begged her to join me, but she's never really been into it. after relapsing and feeling intensely frustrated and angry at myself, i've even blamed her for my failure. that was a horrible thing to do, and i don't want to ever make her feel that way again - i just want to quit. i'm going to do this on my own. i'm going to do this while my wife's pack of cigarettes (also my favorite brand) sits on the table outside right now. i'm going to do this as the smoke from my wife's cigarette wafts through the screen door every night after dinner and i dream about stealing "just one puff." i'm going to do this so that my wife will see how strong willed i am, and how positive this change is for my life, and maybe, just maybe, that will change the way she thinks about smoking too.
my passion: my biggest passion in life is brewing beer at home. i've been doing it for about a decade and have become quite skilled at the craft. it seems like half of the garage is filled with brewing equipment, and i'm always reading brewing books and dreaming up new recipes and ideas. every month i bring homemade beer to a local competition and face off with other brewers. each week i attend a tasting of craft beer, and discuss beer for hours on end with other passionate brewers like myself. the problem is, smoking is beginning to affect my palate. one of the things i pride myself on the most is being able to identify subtle flavors and aromas in beer, and suddenly i am finding it much more difficult than ever before. i've even tasted the same beer at different times (after smoking or when i haven't smoked) and had a completely different experience. the saddest part is when a new brewer gives me the first beer they've ever made, knowing that i am famous among the brewers here as being very outspoken at tastings, and i suddenly find that i can't describe the flavor at all. brewing is something that i hope to someday do for a living, and i can't bear the thought of losing the ability to taste and smell a truly great beer.
my other passion: i also love to play acoustic guitar and sing. smoking has destroyed my singing ability and completely changed my voice. i also believe that it has muffled my hearing, which makes me more likely to sing off-key than before. on top of that, it has become increasingly difficult to belt out songs with the passion and vigor that i desire.
my religious beliefs: i won't go into a long-winded theological discussion, but i'll just say that i don't think killing myself is an appropriate action after i've been given this amazing gift of life. i think every day is a gift and i think smoking is a way of commiting suicide and destroying whatever experiences i could have had here on earth. it's just an easier, slower, less gruesome way than cutting your wrists or hanging yourself. it's the way that weak people kill themselves, and i feel weak in my mind and my spirit as i slowly take my own life with cigarettes.
my son: i have a 2-year-old boy and i really want to stay alive so that i can see him grow up to be a man. i would also love to have more kids some day. i'm always worried that my son might breathe in some second-hand smoke, and i'm also scared about what i will have to tell him when he starts asking me about my smoking. he is growing up so fast and i know that pretty soon i will have to explain to him what is going on. besides that, i really feel like i want to be a good father and set the right example for him - and how can i do that with a cigarette in my hand?
my health: this suddenly become a big issue in the last year. i think the fact that my health had never suffered before was one of the reasons i used to convince myself that my smoking habit was not that bad. i've always been into exercise and fitness, and somehow i've managed to keep exercising and smoking at the same time. this means that i hardly smoke at all during the week, and then on the weekend when i'm partying instead of working out, i binge on cigarettes. i almost think that this might be more unhealthy than just smoking a set amount each day, as my body is constantly subjected to extremes. also now that i my son is in daycare, he brings home a different cold almost every month. i got sick more times in the last year than ever in my life, and i think that smoking not only lowered my immune system, but it also made my symptoms much worse. finally, a few months ago, i came down with acute bronchitis and almost passed out in a restaurant after having trouble breathing. it took me 6 weeks to recover, but afterwards, i started smoking again. i think that was when i realized that i was hopelessly addicted and need to quit for good.
my wife: one of the hardest things i'll be facing during this journey is that my wife is also a smoker and has absolutely no interest in quitting. she smokes about 2-4 cigarettes each day and doesn't feel like it's affecting her life in any way. in the past when i have tried to quit, i've begged her to join me, but she's never really been into it. after relapsing and feeling intensely frustrated and angry at myself, i've even blamed her for my failure. that was a horrible thing to do, and i don't want to ever make her feel that way again - i just want to quit. i'm going to do this on my own. i'm going to do this while my wife's pack of cigarettes (also my favorite brand) sits on the table outside right now. i'm going to do this as the smoke from my wife's cigarette wafts through the screen door every night after dinner and i dream about stealing "just one puff." i'm going to do this so that my wife will see how strong willed i am, and how positive this change is for my life, and maybe, just maybe, that will change the way she thinks about smoking too.
my passion: my biggest passion in life is brewing beer at home. i've been doing it for about a decade and have become quite skilled at the craft. it seems like half of the garage is filled with brewing equipment, and i'm always reading brewing books and dreaming up new recipes and ideas. every month i bring homemade beer to a local competition and face off with other brewers. each week i attend a tasting of craft beer, and discuss beer for hours on end with other passionate brewers like myself. the problem is, smoking is beginning to affect my palate. one of the things i pride myself on the most is being able to identify subtle flavors and aromas in beer, and suddenly i am finding it much more difficult than ever before. i've even tasted the same beer at different times (after smoking or when i haven't smoked) and had a completely different experience. the saddest part is when a new brewer gives me the first beer they've ever made, knowing that i am famous among the brewers here as being very outspoken at tastings, and i suddenly find that i can't describe the flavor at all. brewing is something that i hope to someday do for a living, and i can't bear the thought of losing the ability to taste and smell a truly great beer.
my other passion: i also love to play acoustic guitar and sing. smoking has destroyed my singing ability and completely changed my voice. i also believe that it has muffled my hearing, which makes me more likely to sing off-key than before. on top of that, it has become increasingly difficult to belt out songs with the passion and vigor that i desire.
my religious beliefs: i won't go into a long-winded theological discussion, but i'll just say that i don't think killing myself is an appropriate action after i've been given this amazing gift of life. i think every day is a gift and i think smoking is a way of commiting suicide and destroying whatever experiences i could have had here on earth. it's just an easier, slower, less gruesome way than cutting your wrists or hanging yourself. it's the way that weak people kill themselves, and i feel weak in my mind and my spirit as i slowly take my own life with cigarettes.
Monday, January 10, 2011
my first day without a cigarette
hello. my name is jon and i have been smoking off and on for 16 years (almost half of my life). i've finally made the decision to quit for good, and have created this blog to chronicle my experience. i'm hoping that by posting my progress online it will help me to stick to my guns and quit for good.
i'm going to try to talk a little bit about my quitting experience each day, and maybe also fit in a little of my history with tobacco and my personal thoughts on its use. for now, let me begin by saying that the last cigarette i smoked was around 3:30 am sunday morning 1/9/11.
just like the dozen or so other times that i have quit smoking in the past, i decided to "go out with a bang" by smoking a lot of cigs the night before my quit date. doing this gives me the chance to dive into the habit without guilt for one night. also, i know that i will feel like crap the next day, which i hope will give me even more resolve to quit. i don't know if this works - it could be the worst idea there is, but since i had been invited to a small get-together saturday night, i decided to smoke as much as i could.
sunday morning i was hungover and could barely breath. my sinuses were sticky, my throat dry, and my voice raspy. i fumbled for an old rescue inhaler i still have after a bout with acute bronchitis earlier this year and quickly sucked in 2 puffs. i then had to return to bed until about noon before i was well enough to come out and see my wife and my beautiful 2-year-old son. as i choked back tears, i knew that i was making the right choice, and that i have to take quitting seriously this time.
so today is my first day without a cigarette. i still feel a little tight in my chest from this weekend's debauchery, but i feel very determined to succeed and i hope that anyone who comes across this blog will sympathize with me and encourage me to do the right thing.
i'm going to try to talk a little bit about my quitting experience each day, and maybe also fit in a little of my history with tobacco and my personal thoughts on its use. for now, let me begin by saying that the last cigarette i smoked was around 3:30 am sunday morning 1/9/11.
just like the dozen or so other times that i have quit smoking in the past, i decided to "go out with a bang" by smoking a lot of cigs the night before my quit date. doing this gives me the chance to dive into the habit without guilt for one night. also, i know that i will feel like crap the next day, which i hope will give me even more resolve to quit. i don't know if this works - it could be the worst idea there is, but since i had been invited to a small get-together saturday night, i decided to smoke as much as i could.
sunday morning i was hungover and could barely breath. my sinuses were sticky, my throat dry, and my voice raspy. i fumbled for an old rescue inhaler i still have after a bout with acute bronchitis earlier this year and quickly sucked in 2 puffs. i then had to return to bed until about noon before i was well enough to come out and see my wife and my beautiful 2-year-old son. as i choked back tears, i knew that i was making the right choice, and that i have to take quitting seriously this time.
so today is my first day without a cigarette. i still feel a little tight in my chest from this weekend's debauchery, but i feel very determined to succeed and i hope that anyone who comes across this blog will sympathize with me and encourage me to do the right thing.
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